i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams

A night at the rink brings up feels of connection- the whir of wheels beginning to spin and the breath-catching feeling of attempting to balance. While I've wanted to be smoother on skates since starting, I've learned, the real value came in attempting to do something challenging that I was in fact not yet good at. It wasn't being smooth, it was doing it while being a sporadic, flopping mess haha and still doing it. I documented my reflections on skating and daily progress through videos on an instagram account I created called @_v.roll. [As you may know, I love puns so I loved this name because it kinda functions as the “B roll” content to my regular art and music (tehehe). Ricky massively rolls his eyes at my puns while a smirk sneaks across his face cause he can't help but enjoy how much joy I find in attempting to find the 'pun' in everything ;)]

My connection with Ricky happened not at the rink, but through a mentoring program called Aspiring Young Artists which connected high school students with performing artists in Philly. I joined as a mentor for students interested in singing and songwriting. It was the most beautiful, grounding and wonderful experience. It's a program I wished I had been part of in high school, so it was amazing to be part of supporting young artists in that way.

I remember sharing songs I had written in high school with my choir teacher. I sent them via email after asking if I could share them with him. Through no fault of his own I'm sure (now understanding the many roles high school teachers are faced with balancing), he didn't respond to my email. When I followed up, he gave a generic response, something like, “oh cool..” I can't remember exactly haha but that was the sentiment in my memory. At least to my sensitive high school self trying to share original music for the first time, that was the sentiment of the response. My friends were much more supportive, and always down to put on my headphones and groove to the latest song I had recorded at the lunch table.

That's why being part of Aspiring Young Artists was so powerful. I could be the person to encourage young people to keep sharing their stories and exercising their voices. And they were INCREDIBLE. These connections where care is centered are so important, especially in middle and high school. This is what drew me to being a mentor in the program and offering to support Ricky in developing the program. I became a co-director with him which meant we got to spend more time together and get to know each other more, all through the effort of supporting young voices in sharing their stories.

After a few years of being co-workers, I realized something. It felt really nice to spend time with him. Being in less healthy relationships prior, I had realized I was simply not feeling good or grounded in those relationships. Things always felt in question. I didn't feel solid in knowing how they were feeling, as though the mystery was part of the point of attraction... so unhealthy. Spending time with Ricky felt consenting, honest, and grounded in something beyond our relationship- a care for the communities we were part of. 

Ricky, it turns out, was feeling the same way about me. One evening after spending a day riding bikes together around Philly on a warm spring day, he shared that he was developing crush feelings for me, but wanted to know if he should allow those to continue or put them to the side because our friendship was more important to him than carrying something that was not mutual. I was amazed. I had never experienced someone asking for a consensual crush. I was moved by the vulnerability, his bringing up the conversation (vs me feeling in the dark about how the other person was feeling), and his asking for my permission to continue crushing. The crush feelings came on strong then for me because 1. whooooo has the self awareness and confidence to do that?!? and 2. I loved how forthcoming he was in sharing his feeling with me <3 We are now 6 years from that evening sitting on the couch in his house in South Philly and enjoying our lives together, still finding moments of crushing on each other in all the same and all new ways.

The rush of feelings that came up when Ricky told me how he was feeling wasn't like a crush I had experienced before. This was different. I felt empowered and not guessing or blindsided. It was a warm buzz, like a neon light that glows all night. You know it's out there inviting people to gather beneath it in good energy, even when you aren't looking. You know it's still smoothly humming, casting an electric, warm glow on nights when people are looking for connection, and they can follow its light to that community at the roller rink.

 This feeling is what I aimed to capture in this piece, “i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams". This feeling of grounded energy and affection, when you can be vulnerable enough to consensually crush on someone..

“i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams..”

watercolor and acrylic on canvas | 12 inches x 12 inches

450 USD

SPECIAL NOTE: If you know anyone who these stories of growth and learning might resonate with, or who might be interested in becoming a collector, please feel free to share this post to extend the connection. It means so much to have these stories, works, and music land in loving eyes, ears and homes. Selling work to those who are interested and able to purchase contributes substantially to the sustainability of writing, making, and recording of these projects- all of which I want to be accessible to everyone. Thank you for being part of this journey, and for all your love, support and encouragement <3

With love,

Vessna

the story of SLIDE, why rollerskating & how "NEVERMIND THE MOON" began...

Before SLIDE, there was the need to move through being really mad all the time. Anger, I came to learn, can be a symptom of stress. Even though Solange’s song “Mad” (feat. Lil Wayne) came out in 2016, it resonated with me hard when I started intensely caregiving for my Dad in 2020. This situation came about through a lymphoma diagnosis (originally misdiagnosed as a hernia.. side note: always advocate for the health care you need), but the true work for me came in acknowledging his struggles with depression, alcoholism and ADHD, without allowing them to overshadow the ways he was and continues to be an incredible father and role model in my life.

He has the ability to be incredibly present and focused. As a child, he was wholly invested and supportive of my creative pursuits. Having a passion for physics, creative expression through art was almost the farthest thing from his area of expertise, but he was fascinated, encouraging, and always supportive of my ability to sing and create.

When I was 5 years old, I was watching a video my Dad had gotten for me on Handel- the German-British Baroque composer from the 18th century- standing right in front of the TV. I can see the whole scene now in my head. There was a character in the movie- a young boy, poor and from the streets- who overhears a rehearsal of Handel's choir floating out the church window. Inside, everyone is hot, sweating, and Handle is becoming increasingly frustrated with the choir’s lack of ability to bring forth the energy and tone required to perform the piece. While they are on break, Handel overhears a beautiful voice singing the Messiah with such care, clarity and emotion from out the window. Handel runs outside to find the young boy singing his Messiah on the street. Exalted, he steers the boy into the church to sing for the choir to show them- this is what I am looking for! The boy then became a central singer in the choir in a classic rags to riches storyline.

Enthralled with the movie, I started singing along to the young boy's solo as he stood in front of the choir. My Dad recalls hearing me sing the part saying, "You didn’t sound like a kid singing. I thought, something’s not right–there’s no way you should be able to sound that good.” (A solid proud Dad moment haha). It was his ability to pay close attention that led him to honor and nurture this creative spark for singing since I was 5.

Despite the many things my Dad struggled with due to family traumas that permeate many low income families, he always did his best and excelled at supporting my development. This doesn’t mean that it was easy for both of us, and that brings us back to winter break of my first semester of graduate school, when he was diagnosed with lymphoma and needed care. I flew out to California- mid pandemic- to move him to the East Coast. Traumas unacknowledged can fester and grow over time. This was the case with my pops who was struggling with drinking and depression, while showing up as best he could like the rest of us. When we moved him in with us, I was grateful for the ability to support him. We navigated drinking, suicidal thoughts, hyper-focus, anxiety, and late night binge eating. It was a lot for all of us. He was also going through chemo which is a whole world unto itself. Even within every struggle, he was relentless in his determination to change the behaviors that weren’t serving him. He is incredibly intelligent and despite knowing what was best for him to do, that’s not how struggles work. It has been a journey for us all, but he is doing so much better, and I couldn’t be more proud.

While in the middle of these intensive moments of caregiving, I needed a space where I could process all that was coming up for me while supporting him. My friend got me started with roller skating, which turned out to be huge. Doing something that requires such a high level of embodiment not to fall on your ass or break your face, along with giving you a high likelihood of looking ridiculous when you are first starting out turned out to be exactly what the doctor ordered. It was impossible to stay mad (which I learned is a symptom of stress) as I attempted to go over the smallest bunny ramp at the skatepark with my friend, also in her 30’s, falling square on my butt (yo- this hurt so bad lol), and then having a kid who is zooming around the place ask, “Um Ma'am, could you move off the track?” On my excessively padded wrists and knees, I scooted myself out of the way. We were dying haha. Moments like that really make you think, what am I doing here? And there really was only one answer- having fun. And that’s exactly what I needed.

After falling in love with the freedom roller skating gave me to feel joy (along with literally falling many times), I learned about the history of roller skating in the U.S. and Adult Skate Night. Adult Skate Night was unofficially known as Black Skate Night when rinks were becoming ‘integrated’ spaces. I connected to the feeling of freedom felt through skating, how it prompted me to embrace my full range of emotions instead of simply anger as a result of stress. Adult Skate Night afforded my community the ability to feel and to fly. When you go to the skate rink, you can feel when people get free.

Capturing this feeling is what led to the songs for my upcoming album “Nevermind the Moon” – to be released summer of 2024.

“Nevermind the Moon” is a quote from a documentary by Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson called Summer of Soul. The documentary details the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival which happened the same year as Woodstock and the first U.S. moon landing, but received much less attention and is generally lesser known throughout history. Based on that, you’ll likely not be surprised by the fact that this festival showcased an incredible line up of predominantly Black fronted groups.

In the Summer of Soul documentary, a newscaster interviews one of the festival attendees, asking their thoughts about the moon landing which was happening concurrently. The attendee responds “Never mind the moon,” followed with something to the effect of what we need is investment here in Harlem. This phrase struck me. The moon in our social consciousness holds so many hopes, dreams and aspirations. To say “never mind the moon” implies the incredible power and love that is found right here, right in front of us. We don’t need to go to the moon to find it.

This story gave me a similar feeling as when I heard about the billionaire’s Blue Origin rocket, launched during a worldwide pandemic. Is what you are looking for not already here? Is there another way we could employ these resources towards.. idk FIGHTING THE PANDEMIC?! The desire for people to be seen, heard and loved is what this music became about. A place to feel and be loved. A friend, collaborator and amazing artist Sherman Fleming once said to me in conversation about 90’s R&B music, that R&B was powerful because it told people, specifically Black people, “I see you. I feel you. And I love you.” That is no small thing to hear, even in 2020 amidst a pandemic, even in depths of caregiving and struggling through metal health and physical challenges, or even in 2024 amidst a raging genocide.

I see you. I feel you. And I love you.

With motifs of the moon holding such resonance in our social consciousness and orbits around the roller skating rink dancing in my head, I felt the importance of leaning into joy. Not the kind of joy that has you going out and buying things or escaping to some far off place, but the joy that comes from taking down your guard and letting yourself be vulnerable enough to grow- something my Dad helped teach me. It’s letting yourself fall, look ridiculous, and then getting back up again with friends and family doing the same and cheering you on. Loving this feeling is what led to the sounds and scenes of these new songs and visuals.

“Nevermind the Moon” takes place in a night at the roller skating rink. Above the rink, the disco ball serves a similar purpose as the moon- the orb under which we gather and holds our dreams for the night. But unlike the moon, we travel there to be with community, not escape on solo rockets. We come to be in closer orbits around the rink, instead of further away from each other. Inspired by the legacy of Assata Shakur, it is a chance to see, hear and love one another as we break loose from our chains.

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With love, and with that, I welcome you onto the rink with my newest single & collection SLIDE.